Words To Live By

The little old couple walked slowly into the restaurant. They looked out of place among the young families and young couples eating there that cold winter evening. Some customers looked admiringly at them; it wasn't hard to tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there's a couple who have been through a lot together, probably [...]

A few years ago, our friend "Lallie Dupree" found herself in a "fowl" situation. She tells the story this way.

One Saturday morning I was driving east down Oak Street and took the right part of the "Y." As I passed Earl Rogers Auto Parts on my left, I noticed a sparrow walking back and forth [...]

Though I've tweaked them just a bit, the paragraphs that follow are alleged to be the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay contest.

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."

"They lived in a typical [...]

Shortly after our relocation to Conway more than seventeen years ago, I dispatched my wife on an errand to buy some chicken wire. "Chicken wire?" she expostulated. "I've never bought chicken wire in my life! Where do I get chicken wire?"

"No prob," said I. "Just go downtown to Massey Hardware and tell them how much [...]

What you will read in this column are some goofy instructions and warnings compliments of the Internet. They are allegedly from the packages of real consumer goods. And I have a theory about how we could have sunk to such unbelievable intellectual depths. Check these out:

On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping — But [...]