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HOW TO GRIEVE

“After the first death, there is no other,” [...]]]> These three items have been an encouragement to me in the grieving process after the loss of loved ones, and I’m hopeful that they will be for others as well. Please feel to pass them on. There’s a link to a printer-friendly version at the end.

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HOW TO GRIEVE

“After the first death, there is no other,” wrote Dylan Thomas. That doesn’t mean the ones that come after won’t break your heart, but it’s the first that punches your soul’s passport. Welcome, fellow human, to a different country than the one you woke up to this morning. The air’s different here; so is the scenery. Your knees don’t work so well; in fact, you may want to fall to them.

For a precious little while, you are allowed to be stunned into silence, or to shriek, or to talk—recounting stories of who he was, what she meant to you, and how it all came to an end. Tell those stories. Some people may try to enforce “The Rules,” to wit: Enough of This Drama Is Enough. Ignore them. Besides, if you treat yourself gently and take the time you need, someday soon you’ll hear the faint but steady voice of your own good sense. Play music you love, sit in the sunshine if you can find some, and if anyone offers you a hand, hold it. Let them feed the cat, too, because they want to be useful. If your good sense does not kick in on its own, help it along: scramble some eggs. It will feel strange at first. But if you pretend that scrambling eggs is normal, eventually it will become normal. Soon you can squeeze some orange juice, too.

For some of us the stay in this new country seems endless. But time passes, seasons change, and, truly, would those we grieve for want us to mope? Come with me back into the world. We’ll return to this land someday, all too soon, but in the meantime the garden needs weeding, the bills need paying. Your other loved ones need you. And you, my sweet friend, you could use a shampoo.

—Larkin Warren

GONE FROM MY SIGHT

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “There, she is gone,” there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

“Here she comes!”

…And that is dying.

—Henry Van Dyke

THE ROSE BEYOND THE WALL

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God’s free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding its sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride,
It followed the light through the crevice’s length
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing its fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive—
The rose still grows beyond the wall,

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forevermore.

—A. L. Frink

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Following is a summarization of the tribute delivered [...]]]> From my own experience, the loss of a child is one of the most difficult experiences we ever face in life. The pain and darkness are indescribably intense, and there are no easy answers to comfort the hurting heart. Can there be any hope in such a situation?

Following is a summarization of the tribute delivered by Karen Gottsponer at the memorial service for her infant daughter, Rebekah Joy Gottsponer, who passed away on October 13, 2009. In it you will see great hope expressed even in the midst of overwhelming sorrow. I trust this will be a help to others who might find themselves in similar circumstances.

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Dale and I and our family want to thank you all for being here to support us during this time.

We are thankful for the time that God gave us with Rebekah Joy. I was so blessed to have had the privilege of carrying her for almost 37 weeks and blessed that the kids and Dale had an opportunity to place their hands over my belly and pray over her these past few months. Today is about honoring her and giving glory to God for her sweet little life.

As we have been ministered to this week by so many, we have come across numerous verses that have touched our hearts and have spoken life into our weary souls. Looking back, we realize that God in His tender mercy was drawing us toward Him and preparing us for what we would be facing.

As the reality of Rebekah’s passing began to seek in, I spent time in the hospital bathroom crying out to God to fill my hurting heart as only He could. I didn’t know if I could face another moment without my sweet baby girl. I felt that our hopes were lost, our dreams unfulfilled and our plans unfinished. But God whispered in my heart that this was not true. If this is what we believed we could not make it another day but would just crumble into a heap of despair.

Our hopes are not lost because we know we will see Rebekah’s sweet little face one day!

Because of Rebekah’s passing, our faith is being tested as never before. Do we believe everything we say we believe? It’s so easy to pray and praise God when our world is right. However, what will we do when things don’t go as planned? We now know we must cling to His word because He is really all we have. I was reminded of these verses: “These two things cannot change: God cannot lie when He makes a promise, and He cannot lie when He makes an oath. These things encourage us who came to God for safety. They give us strength to hold on to the hope we have been given. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, sure and strong.” (Hebrews 6:18-19 NCV).

As women came in our hospital room with stories of their own losses, Dale and I realized that we too could “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Roman 12:15 NAS) because we had “been there” and felt that same grief.

And even though I have a baby book at home left uncompleted, God has reminded me that Rebekah’s sweet days were ordained in His book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16).

We are scared of the “firsts” that are coming. The first time we are asked how many children we have. The first day Dale goes back to work. The first time we go back to church without Rebekah. The first time I am asked by someone who doesn’t know our loss, “How is your newborn?” Though these unknowns frighten us, God “will lead the blind by ways they have not known.” (Isaiah 42:16).

Dale and I had thought a lot about the tone we wanted this memorial service to take. Do we celebrate? Do we grieve? Do we mourn? We eventually decided that we wanted friends to see that we do indeed grieve for our little baby—so deeply from a place in our hearts we never knew existed.

But we also wanted them to see that we grieve with hope: hope of seeing sweet little Rebekah’s face again because we are in Christ. (1 Thes. 4:13-18). We can honestly say we can praise God through this storm. These past few days, His word seems sweeter, His grace ever present, His love surrounding.

We have been blessed in so many ways this past week: To know for sure the cause of little Rebekah’s death. To have a wonderful doctor who cared for me throughout my pregnancy and prayed and cried with us at the end. To have friends that immediately rallied around us and cried and prayed with us. To have a dear hospital staff member to take care of Rebekah when were not able and to minister to our weary hearts. To have friends that cared for our children, taxied them around, played Monopoly with them, took them out for shakes. To have children who helped run the household, cleaned bathrooms, greeted guests. To have family members who came with love and coworkers and neighbors who called, provided meals, shed tears, wrote words. And much more.

Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for walking down this path with us the first few days as we stumbled along. Though we know we have to walk alone now, we are reassured we aren’t really alone, for God is with us every step. And we know He will also bring people along our paths when we need them to help us in this journey.

May God show you how much each of you means to us. Thank you, and God bless you.

Copyright 2009 Karen Gottsponer — www. gottjoy.blogspot.com

THE HOPE

I weep for you my little one,
My heart is full of whys:
Why snatched from me so suddenly?
No answer satisfies.

I’ll never fully comprehend
The darkness in my soul,
But from my pain—and dawning bright—
A wonder now unfolds:

That God could take my deepest hurt
And from its depth extract
A hope in Him, a confidence,
A love that knows no lack.

Not even death with all its sting
Could ever steal from me
The wondrous hope we’ll meet again
And share eternity!

In Memory Of:
Rebekah Joy Gottsponer
October 13, 2009

Copyright 2009 James McAlister — www.james-mc.com

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Our visit completed, I offered my goodbyes–without realizing she was hearing them [...]]]> I saw her for the last time on such a rare and wonderful autumn day as this. With fall crispness charging the air, our long, lingering stroll around the campus let her enjoy the unique texture of October breeze and sun upon her cheeks.

Our visit completed, I offered my goodbyes–without realizing she was hearing them for the last time. But it’s not ordained for us to know the times or epochs of our lives, to read with full comprehension the great plans indelibly etched upon the scroll of eternity.

I returned home that bright October afternoon to mundane duties far less significant than the one just completed. We retired as usual that evening, around 10:00, only to be jolted awake at 3:00 by the telephone call many parents silently fear deep within their souls.

“Jenny is in cardiac arrest,” the voice dutifully reported. “You can meet the ambulance at the emergency room.” We numbly scrambled to pull ourselves together.

We were there when the ambulance arrived, and a group of medical personnel hovered over Jenny, frantic in their attempts to revive her.

“How long has she been this way?” I asked, dreading the answer. The terse reply came: “Twenty-five minutes.”

“There’s no use continuing,” I acknowledged. “Let her go.” They questioned my decision. “Are you sure?” I was.

Then came a few moments alone with her, the formal documents to sign, the sober trip home, the decisions about what to do first, the long wait until daylight before making the requisite calls, the cleaning and the tentative plans.

Mary shopped for a suitable outfit, one of soft, respectful pink for the daughter who would, after all, need to look lovely for friends coming to see her for one last time. And she did. Mary called me from the funeral home. “I’ve just seen the most beautiful girl in the world.” And she had.

Along with Mary and me, her brother spoke at the funeral. Then we three offered our goodbyes–knowing they were for the last time.

On rare and wonderful autumn days such as this, I sometimes wonder: Is there really a heaven? What will it be like? Will we remember our times together? Will we know each other? Will we be able to take long, lingering strolls and feel the October breeze and sun upon our cheeks?

But in those moments of evaluation, Jesus’ assurances from the Bible spring up within me. “Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”

Thus I seldom recall that particular rare and wonderful autumn day–October 2, 1995–with any residual sadness. For it was, and still remains, one of the few great watersheds of our lives, defining the terrain and landscape in which we will live out our remaining years. And the last times of that unique October confirm the beliefs we truly call our own.

Copyright 2004 James McAlister

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Unlike [...]]]> After 30 months of agonizing preparation, countless prayers and the support of many who stood by me and helped me, I am now in a new house. I am thrilled for the fresh start in a place untainted by difficult memories, many brought on by the death of my mate and companion of 40 years.

Unlike the last move we made together in 2002, this one has brought me joy and thanks to God despite the fact that I’m now alone. The contrast between the two situations is so stark that I repost the following article written at that time as a reminder that hard times don’t last forever.

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“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving’s timeless thoughts bestow significance on a year succinctly characterized by a single word: tears.

Grueling and punishing, these past 12 months have slowly ground down both my enthusiasm and confidence. And like bogeymen lurking in the shadows, tears have flung themselves upon me at inopportune times.

Tears when our son moved out, a dramatic severing of the bonds of childhood with our last living offspring.

Tears upon leaving my employer–and the acquaintances–of 32 years. Another long-term kinship terminated to follow a shorter path.

Tears over relocating from our home of 20 years. Apart from physical complications, tearing ourselves out of intimate, familiar surroundings repeatedly inflicted emotional trauma. For there childhoods grew up and away, there the messenger of death called for our daughter, there gentle animal companions loved us and suffered and died.

Tears when gremlins of health conspired to plague us. Tears when the winds of favorable circumstances and relationships blew contrary. Tears when wrong prevailed–without rectification. Tears when dreams died but bitter disappointment flourished.

I don’t deny the power of tears. They have oft driven me to that secret place where one goes when there seems nowhere else to turn: to prayer. “When a man is at his wits’ end,” confides Oswald Chambers, “it is not a cowardly thing to pray….”

But though cowardly moments wilt my resolve, a Bible verse (Luke 18:1) blossoms with healing insight. “Now He [Jesus] was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart.” When tears have bid heart to flee, prayer has shut the door.

For a brief interlude, tears have quitted. But knowing neither calendar nor clock, they will knock again in the night. And when they do, may their silent but compelling sincerity gain the ear of God alone who hears and answers prayer. For by our tears, He somehow waters the tiny seeds of hope growing deep within our hearts.

May that be sufficient and satisfy.

TO HIM ALONE WHO ANSWERS PRAYER

‘Tis God’s desire that we should pray and not lose heart
But cry to Him continually and have a part
In giving wings unto His plans from day to day
For bringing comfort to His own without delay.

For who can move the heart of Him who has the pow’r
To intervene and stay the loss of darkest hour?
‘Tis not the soul that’s never sunk into despair–
But ’tis the one whose only hope is answered prayer.

He prays the best who has the most to gain or lose
Through circumstances that he might not ever choose.
And by his tears to God alone who answers prayer,
The seeds of hope within his heart are watered there.

(Based on Luke 18:1-8)

Copyright 2002 James McAlister

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—– As many [...]]]> Following is the talk given by my son Barrett at his mother’s funeral. I post it again for Mother’s Day as a reminder of just how quickly our time with our mothers, wives and daughters can slip away from us. There are other Mother’s Day posts under the Holidays category on the right-hand side.

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As many of you know, my mother had a great love for literature, especially children’s literature. And there was one book that she got years ago that’s entitled Love You Forever. It’s a story about a mother who sang to her baby son, “I’ll love you forever; I’ll love you for always; As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” She continued this throughout his life.

Eventually, however, their roles reversed. The mother got sick, and her son took care of her. Then he went home to his son, held him in his arms and sang, “I’ll love you forever; I’ll love you for always; As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” Mom and I read that book countless times–and always cried.

This book was much on my mind as I wrote this letter to my mom after seeing her in the emergency room. I was badly shaken, and there were so many things I wanted to tell her. I read this letter to her the following evening in the hospital.
—–
Dear Mom,

I have so many things I’d like to say to you, but I’m not sure if I can get the words out of my head onto the paper. So this might ramble a little bit.

When Brandi and I walked into the ER, we were taken aback. You and Dad hadn’t exactly told us how sick you really were. Seeing you made me realize how short life is and how so many memories come to mind at such times. Memories like…..

“Mommy, rock me in the red rocker.” This is probably my first real memory.

Caffeine-free Diet Coke. I didn’t know there was anything else to drink.

Putting war paint on Wesley and me and sneaking in crosses so we would be Christian Indians.

Lunch at Pizza Inn. We played games, and you attempted to make me do some homework.

Shaving my head before BMA camp. What a haircut!

Scrapbooks for every year of my life. I still love to look at them, and I’m sure that your grandson Jackson will as well.

The detailed journals you kept. Do you remember that when we were having fights you would pull out the journals and read them to me? Hearing how much love you had for me always seemed to shape me up.

You always took me to soccer and baseball practices and to baseball and Tae Kwon Do as well.

Countless costumes for dress up.

Playing dodge ball in the hall. Playing Pente, Aggravation, Sorry, dominoes, and 42. Trying to teach me to play the piano.

Tricking me into believing that Grandpa was giving me a hoe for Christmas–and it was really a microscope.

Encouraging me to go and do without being afraid of the world.

Standing by the convictions God had given you and Dad without caring whether others agreed.

Producing amazing productions for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Presidents’ Day–and anything else than could be used for a learning opportunity.

Crazy birthday parades and banners that found their way into the newspaper.

Never showing different amounts of love to Jenny and me. You loved us both the same.

Giving up a career to stay home and teach me even though you had never even heard of such a thing.

Summer reading programs. Reading to Dad, Jenny and me. Instilling in me a love for literature.

Mom, I regret that I have wasted so many years in not loving and appreciating you and Dad in the way that the two of you deserve. But I want you to know that the things that you tried to instill in me were not wasted. I look forward to instilling them in Jackson. Your legacy will live on. I also want you to know that you and Dad are my heroes. I hope that Brandi and I can be the parents that you have been.

I love you, Mom, and I treasure the time that we have left together. And whether that be one more day or twenty years, I want you to remember one thing: I’ll love you forever; I’ll love you for always; As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.
—–
Barrett was able to spend eight more days with his mom. You can listen to his talk at www.james-mc.com.

Copyright 2007 James McAlister

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As part of the painful post-death process of deciding what [...]]]> Early in my career, I’d sometimes have to travel. And when Mary packed my suitcase she’d always hide little notes for my discovery. One, a long-lost, hand-sketched rendition of the cozy den in our tiny house in Sherwood, reminded me that “home is waiting for you.”

As part of the painful post-death process of deciding what should stay and what should go, I determined to dispose of an old bench Mary had loved. But just this week I rediscovered this sketch and a lengthy description Mary wrote about it in 2002.

Here’s how she put it:

“The framed ‘With Joy We Greet You’ over the bench was sewn by me. The doll on the shelf is 108 years old and a family heirloom. The little car on the shelf is James’ toy jalopy from 50-plus years ago. The rooster is composed of various kinds of beans and was made by me.

“Amos is chasing the original Puddy Tat… but only because she was already running away. She was definitely ‘the boss.’ Jenny is lying on her little pallet listening to a tape recording of her daddy playing his harmonica–and awaiting his return home.

“I have now had the bench for 30 years. It came from a huge house that was razed in order to build the Wilbur Mills freeway in Little Rock. The bench was old then. What was interesting to me was that when I went to look at the bench I recognized the old house!

“The house was one that had been divided into many small apartments when I was a little girl. I had visited with Mother’s friend there many, many times as a child. The bathroom was down the hall, and I am still reminded of it by soaps with an old-fashioned smell.

“I had never thought about where that house might be, had never even thought about it since childhood. So imagine my surprise when I started up those long steps at the back of the house to see the furniture!

“I remember going there when I was four or five. We lived in Crossett then, and I was so homesick as I went up those steps that I was nearly ill. Grief stricken as if a death had occurred. How can a child explain these things? Of course, I never told anyone how I felt.

“Martha Rogers’ son worked for the owners, and he is the one that took me to see the furniture just before the house was torn down. Remember, we played Forty-Two with the Rogers. Oh, those precious times. Why do we not recognize them? Let us recognize today for what it is: precious, no matter what happens.”

And much has happened since we moved from the little house in Sherwood in 1980. Now gone are the cozy den, the rooster, Amos, Puddy Tat… even Jenny and Mary. But the bench endures. And through this unusual epiphany of loss and discovery, the bench will stay, perhaps creating a meaningful link to a pleasant past for someone in a future generation.

Though time invariably tears apart the picture of life as we once knew it, memory is the glue that puts the pieces back together.

Copyright 2007 James McAlister

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They came in simple, trivial ways. Shutting off her cell phone. Cancelling reservations in Branson. Closing a department store account. Returning books received but [...]]]> I was strong during her rapid physical decline. I was strong during her painful suffering and death. I was strong at her funeral and at the graveside. But today the tears came.

They came in simple, trivial ways. Shutting off her cell phone. Cancelling reservations in Branson. Closing a department store account. Returning books received but never opened. And each required a brief explanation… and tears.

As we were just beginning this cancer journey, she made a request. “If I die before you do, I’d like for you to do my funeral.” I agreed, not realizing how little time remained. And from the agony she endured during her last month emerged the three words of encouragement I shared at her funeral. Perhaps they’ll endue you–as they have me–with strength to carry on despite prevailing circumstances.

DO NOT LOSE HEART

Despite the pain, she never gave up, never quit, never complained. Though the body was failing O so rapidly, the person on the inside waxed stronger day by day. She’d often quote the Bible verse, “Let the weak say I am strong.” And the last recognizable sound I heard from her lips was a faint but distinguishable “strong.”

With great difficulty I managed to transport her from the hospital to our home for a week of hospice care. On the way she asked, “Is this how people go home to die?” “No,” I answered, “we’re going home to pray for deliverance.” She thanked me.

DO NOT LOSE HOPE

On our first night back home she awoke at 3:00 a.m. wanting to be repositioned. As I rubbed her back and Barrett assured her that all was well, she remarked, “This is good. We’re all here, and we love each other.” It was true.

A couple of nights later before weakness prevented her from sitting upright, I enfolded my arms around her. “Mother, if this is too hard for you, and you catch a glimpse of the other side where Jenny is, I release you to go there. You have been strong in faith and are the bravest person I know. What an example of endurance you are.”

“No, I’m not ready yet,” she whispered. “Good,” I replied. “We’ll keep praying.” Soon, however, she confided to her sister Betty, “I’m ready now.” Betty released her, as did Barrett. Instead of abandoning hope, she chose the path that seemed best to her.

DO NOT LOSE HEAVEN

While the Christians do not forfeit their places in heaven, they can miss its manifestations as they live out their lives. In her waning days heaven rained upon us.

There were, of course, outpourings of food, housekeeping, errands, chores. And my mind swims with countless striking images. Luke Stanton by the bedside holding her hand. A friend on her knees seeking forgiveness. Patty Wolf and Adrianne Redding reliving literary favorites. The McNair and Baker families’ renditions of uplifting hymns. Katie and Kacie Blankenship’s bedroom harp and vocal recitals. The Thompson family holding hands around her bed and praying. Amid my own tears, I often remarked, “Surely heaven must be like this.”

On that final morning I attempted to comfort her as she labored for breath. “All is well, Mother. You are strong in the Lord, and I’m here.” Bending to wipe a tear from her left eye, I laid a hand upon her head and prayed for her deliverance one last time. Then with just moments to gather the family around, peace gently erased the furrows and wrinkles pain had viciously carved upon her bright countenance.

And in that single glorious instant, our daughter Jenny, blind and retarded here on earth, saw her mom face to face for the first time.

In the Bible Jesus spoke of times like this. “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me shall live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

So to you, Mary Winborn McAlister, my faithful companion and partner of almost 40 years, I do not bid you farewell. Rather, I assure you of this: I’ll meet you on the other side where there are no more tears. And may much fruit spring up from the good seed you planted throughout your life and watered with your pain. All is well.

Copyright 2007 James McAlister

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